The Key
by rsb57
Summary: Kiko and Sharman are loved in different ways. Starsky finds the key to both is all about letting go. Episode Related: Running


**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY PART OF THE STARSKY AND HUTCH FRANCHISE. THE FOLLOWING IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.**

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be.--Anonymous

--

**THE KEY**

Sharman stared at me, as if I had all the answers. We sat in the Torino, ready to pull into the driveway of her home.

I told her I was afraid to let her go. I knew she was too good for me. Once she got her life back together and returned to modeling, she'd forget about me. I twisted around on the leather seat to get a last look. We were still cocooned in our own safe haven. Once she left the confines of my car, it would be the end for us.

We sat there, making promises; trying to hold onto the thin strand that kept us together. Once we went through those gates, all that we had pledged would become nothing more than words. We meant them at the time, but could we really believe in them? Would they stand up to the separation? We both knew the answer, but were afraid to say it out loud.

"What if I need you?" The struggle in her eyes as she said that made me realize that eventually, she wouldn't. A part of me wanted her to continue to need only me.

But I wanted to offer her a future because at that moment, she had nothing but me. I wasn't hers, but waiting for her were parents who loved her and a recovery which she needed more than me. And so I convinced myself and her that...

"The key is always under the mat."

It wasn't easy leaving Sharman with her parents. I wanted nothing more than to take us back to my place; to our own little world and not face reality. But I knew Sharmin needed her parents and they needed her. Once I saw the circle they created for her, I knew we had done the right thing.

I drove back to my place and dragged myself back up the steps. It had been a wild ride, one that I wish had taken a different turn, but I had to do what was best for her.

I went straight to the bedroom to change my clothes. I felt hot, like the walls were closing in. I just wanted to work through my frustration, but it didn't help when I went into the bathroom and found my blue button down shirt she'd been wearing, hanging out of the hamper. I pulled it out, grabbed the sleeve and smelled her. Damn, she was right there, in my arms. Her scent clung to the shirt, just like the shirt had clung to her.

Hutch asked Abby to bring clothes for Sharman. They were her size; a dress, a pair of pants and a sweater. But for the few days she stayed with me, she chose to wear my jeans and my shirt. Shit, she looked so good in them. And now, her scent lingered on that shirt and as I make my way to the bedroom, her essence mingles there as well.

I took in a deep breath, and then ripped the sheets off the bed and stuffed them in the washer. If I'm gonna give Sharmin a chance at a new life, I need to come to grips with it myself. I didn't trust myself when she was here to be objective about our situation. If it hadn't been for Hutch's phone call, I know we woulda ended up makin' out. Hardly got to first base as it was but well, I didn't want her to think she had to use her body to thank me and I didn't want to use her emotions to satisfy my fantasy. I respected her too much to use her, even though I longed to feel her body next to mine.

I slammed the lid down on the washer and continued to the kitchen. I wanted to wash the dishes and even mop the floor. When I'm stressed, I clean. I know, for a guy that sounds pretty lame, but trust me, it helps.

As I got down on all fours, stretching the cleaning rag over the floor, the phone rang. Saved by the bell again?

I sat back on my heels and threw the wet rag into the bucket. The water was barely even gray. I hesitated, staring at the water as the phone continued to ring. I finally stood up to answer the shrill noise.

"Yeah?",I growled into the phone. I had a lot of energy to be used up and figured cleaning the floor would be a good way to work off that anxiety. But now I was interrupted by Hutch's voice on the other end of the line.

"What're ya doin' buddy?"

"Cleaning. Tryin'to get my mind off Sharman." I knew I owed Hutch big time. He'd kept my involvement with Sharmin to himself and covered for me with Captain Dobey. What I'd done was against regulations but… Hutch struggled with his own feelings about her. I know in the end he didn't approve but it was that unwritten rule between us that we don't judge each other by what a gut feeling often leads us to do, even though it may be in a different but honorable direction.

"You want to meet at Huggy's for dinner?" I could tell Hutch wasn't sure about my mood. Huggy's was always a good neutral place to hash out our insecurities, differences and resolve problems between us. Besides, our bartending friend was a good referee.

"Okay, but give me two hours. I just put a load of laundry in the washer and I'm in the middle of scrubbin' the floor."

"Tough day, huh?" The question came out whisper soft. But there were no words needed for me to know he cared.

I gripped the receiver in my hand, closed my eyes and breathed in Sharman. Just then the washer went into spin cycle. The clunking noise brought me back to the phone call and I heard Hutch's laughter.

"When are you gonna replace that noisy washer? I'm surprised nobody has filed a complaint against you for disturbing the peace!"

Hutch's humor did the trick. I had been feeling far too serious about things and as always, Hutch had a way of taking my mind off myself.

But that brought me back to Hutch's recent dilemma with the kid he mentored. Kiko brushed off Hutch in favor of his friends. I know that hurt Hutch real bad and I guess I wasn't very sympathetic. For the first time, I understood what Hutch was going through. Sharman was gone, out of my life. I wanted to help her but it wasn't enough. She had to find her own way. Her absence hurt.

Forcing my hurt out of my heart, I replaced it with Hutch's need. He must be disappointed and angry. But Hutch would never admit it. He'd just be quieter than normal and keep to himself. Well, not tonight. Not if I could help it.

"Sounds good to me, pal. But we both need a distraction."

Hutch's voice was strong and clear again. He wanted me to believe that he was okay. I wanted him to believe that I was okay.

"It's you that needs a beer and some comfort food. So get your place cleaned up and your ass over to Huggy's. See ya there!"

Hutch clicked off and I continued my chores. As I was scrubbing, I thought about Kiko. This was a kid who was better because Hutch was in his life. My friend was a better man as well because of the relationship. I was proud of him but I just now realized it. But Kiko did what he had to do to figure out what was important to him. He's just lucky to have such a wise and loving friend in Hutch.

I couldn't help comparing Kiko and Sharman. They both suffered from a need that was stronger than them. Kiko had Hutch. I wanted to be what Sharman needed but the truth was, I wasn't enough. In the kids' defense, it would take a little time until he figured he'd screwed up. He was lucky that Hutch would wait.

Sharman also needed to figure out her life. Her experience was a bit more complicated but in the end, she needed to find out what direction was best for her. I just don't think I was enough to complete her.

Finally, the floor smelled clean and was all shiny, my laundry done and put away, I got myself together and headed to Huggy's.

So, I met up with Hutch for dinner. It was relaxing and fun as always. I got my mind off Sharman. A few games of pool, a few beers and time with good friends and I got my head back to reality. But there was still sadness in Hutch. He never mentioned Kiko. He didn't have to.

That night at Huggy's, we talked about life in general rather than specifics, and even then, we spent most of our time critiquing each other's pool shots.

It took a few weeks to stop expecting to hear from

Sharman. I stopped noticing her scent in my apartment. Once, as I returned home, I checked under the outside mat. The key still sat there, undisturbed.

I eventually put away the year books and magazines. I stuck them back in the closet where I stored them. I figured some day; I'd drag them out again and wonder what she was up to.

It wasn't long until I had to face Captain Dobey. So I wasn't prepared for the captain's opening greeting.

"Feeling better Starsky?" His dark eyes glowed with doubt. I glanced at Hutch over the captain's shoulder, silently asking him what was up. When Hutch opened his mouth and stuck his finger half way down his throat, I understood.

"Uhh, yeah, Cap, must've been a 48 hour bug of some kind." I rubbed my stomach for effect and winced. It must've worked 'cause the Captain let out a grunt and stalked back to his office.

Dobey kept glaring at me after that, but he never asked me outright about Sharman. He never questioned our report of the break-ins at the apartment. He stayed silent when we told him that Vern died in a chase which ended in gun fire. He raised his eyebrows at me when I told him Sharman was safe and had made her way back to her parents. But he never asked me directly where I'd gone that day once we'd caught up with her. For the most part, he accepted what Hutch told him and I sure as hell wasn't gonna volunteer any information.

But it did take some time to convince my mother that Sharman was okay. In our regular Friday night phone calls, she would always remind me that I'd forgotten to get her autograph. She always asked if I'd heard from the girl. Eventually, even Ma stopped asking about the famous model from my school days.

Hutch didn't have to wait long for Kiko to get his act together. One night Hutch and me were just hanging out, working on another scam for Dobey. That man was a blast to pull practical jokes on. Anyway, in through the door comes Kiko. Hutch's grin just lit up the room.

"I made a mistake." Kiko was embarrassed and unsure about what to expect from Hutch. The two loved each other and needed each other.

"It's just a part of growing up, pal. I never stopped loving you or missing you. You had to find out for yourself who loved you no matter what." Hutch's words were serious but he didn't lecture. He just wanted Kiko to know that he'd never given up on him. Kiko is a very lucky young man.

But in the end, Kiko came back. I guess he'd figured out that Hutch was better than his delinquent friends.

--

Eight months went by in a hurry. New cases came our way. Some Hutch'n me solved, others became the usual causes for sleepless nights and endless hours of follow up. Out of those, we managed to dig up a few more leads or they just became one more unsolved crime.

Life returned to normal or at least as normal as it can for me. Days turned into weeks; weeks into months, until Sharman was just a memory. You know how one day, the longing disappears and it's all just a distant but pleasant thought until you just don't even notice that it's gone.

I dated but there again, my job got in the way. Couldn't always commit to a date or plans would change in the middle and the girl got annoyed and gave up on me. Nothing new there.

But one weekend, I actually had a whole two days to myself. Hutch and Kiko decided to go camping. Hutch asked me to go with them, but sleeping in a damp tent, surrounded by unidentified, noisy creatures and pissing behind a tree ain't my style.

Once again, I sat across from Hutch, listening while he explained the benefits of camping. All I cared about at the moment was the beer in front of me and scoring with one of Huggy's waitresses. I also needed to come up with a valid reason not to join Hutch and Kiko.

"Don't ya want to spend the time with Kiko?" I shot a glance across at Hutch. I truly didn't want to go on the nature excursion with them, but I also couldn't help but think back to Kiko's decision to choose his friends over Hutch as a mentor. At the time, I didn't much see the point in a smart-assed kid who didn't want help from an adult who never expected anything from you and only wanted to offer friendship.

But then again, where would I be if John Blaine hadn't taken an interest in me? He taught me a lot that I didn't even realize I needed to know till much later in my life. But I'm damn glad to have had that relationship.

'_Forget him'_, I'd grumbled at Hutch. That was before he'd flung those same words at me when I wanted to reach out to Sharmin. I was a real jerk. I've learned how important relationships, true relationships, are to my pal. Sharman wasn't meant to be. Kiko was part of Hutch.

Hutch's strong voice broke into my thoughts and brought me back to the task of getting Donna to go out with me. She'd been bringing us beers and now I wanted to ask her out.

"No, Kiko and I are fine." Hutch raised his empty beer glass to get Donna's attention. She was a new waitress at Huggy's. Cute girl. I'd ask her out if I thought Huggy'd allow it. He's pretty protective of his employees. Over protective if ya ask me, but I'll give it a shot.

"You're just trying to make excuses not to come with us. It'll be good for you. Exercise, fresh air…" I interrupted my blond friend with a few choice descriptions of my own.

"Hutch, eating canned beans and sleeping with two other men, just aren't in my plans for the weekend." I smiled warmly at Donna and winked as she set Hutch's beer in front of him. She just ignored me and made her way to her next table. Damn Huggy. I need to find out what he's told these girls about me.

So anyway, that's why I found myself, on a Saturday afternoon, at the grocery store. A man can't live on pizza and root beer all the time. So once in awhile, I give in and head to the store in search of fresh produce, meat and paper products. Now I've heard that this is a great place to meet women but so far, I've been approached by little old ladies who want to know where the laxatives are and creepy looking men who no doubt need to be put away on 'peeping tom' charges.

I've smiled at a few cute chicks but then their muscle bound boyfriends come strolling along with a can of powdered Instant Muscle and I quickly make my way to the next isle.

Now, I wasn't in any big hurry so I started out just wandering up and down all the isles. It's amazing the things you can buy in a grocery store. I fill my cart with the essentials and a few boxes of cookies and sugary kid cereals that would make Hutch cringe if he saw them. Actually, sometimes I stash the stuff in my cupboards just to wait for his horrified reaction as he comes across them. Yeah I like my junk food but healthy eating is just as important to me as it is to Hutch. I just like to pull his chain whenever I can!

Before I checked out, I decided to go to the magazine and book section of the store. Now here's a really interesting place to browse. You got magazines that are full of those muscle bound goons, like the one I saw with the cute blond girl. Then you got your nature magazines and teen magazines; Car magazines, which I occasionally buy just to keep up with the new stuff. But most of the spaces are filled with magazines for women. Some are full of different hair styles. Some are soap opera magazines and movie magazines.

Shit! As I scan the covers, there she is; a bright, sexy smile on her face and a fella would swear she's looking right at him and thinking only about him.

Sharman.

I'm rooted to the floor, staring straight at her like some, star struck fan.

Memories of her crying in my arms; the feel of her hair in my hands and holding her against me under the cold shower spray as I tried to sober her up and calm her down. I'm lost in the forgotten sensations until somebody bumps against me as they grab for a muscle car magazine. My next thought is that I know Ma will kill me if I don't remember to tell her about the latest Sharman cover photo. More than likely, I'll get a copy of the magazine in a couple days and in our weekly phone chat, Ma will ask if I've heard from the girl in the magazine.

In a weird way, I'm jealous, but that's quickly replaced by pride. She made it. She got her shit together and the life she'd left behind, accepted her back. Not an easy thing to do when you've been in the public like that.

Now that I was faced with the memories, I understood that we didn't love each other, not really. On my part, I had the opportunity to act on a teen-aged crush with a girl who was then and always would be, out of my league. For Sharman, she needed somebody, anybody to care about her.

Sharman was never really mine.

Kiko was lucky. Hutch was there to take him back. They are better together than apart. They can learn from each other, have fun together; even grow up together.

When love comes back to you, it's better than ever. That's what Kiko found out.


End file.
